Wholly Myself

Growth is so uncomfortable. But who wants to stay the same, right? It seems the older I get the more lessons I learn. And these past few months have been a series of uncomfortable lessons.

Sometimes I wonder where confident people get their confidence. Like, is there a store somewhere we can purchase a bag of it?

On the one hand, I am wholly confident and secure in who I am. I know my likes, my dislikes. I set clear boundaries on what I will and will not do, what I’ll accept and not stand for.

But when my existence is challenged…when I am questions, made to explain myself or critiqued, my confidence diminishes and I begin to interrogate my entire being. This self probing doesn’t last long. No longer than a day. But while my lack of confidence is short-lived, these bouts are frequent. It seems I’m always reevaluating my beliefs and wondering if I need to change.

I desire to be a better person all around. But I don’t want to compromise the foundation of who I am. And quite frankly, I’m exhausted by the critiques.

I work in a field that is subject to persistent appraisal. People seem to think that their opinions matter regarding what I do. And they haven’t been afraid to share them. I can’t tell you how much I’ve been threatened, disrespected and questioned over the past nine months. It has caused me stress, angst and aggravation.

Just when I thought I had reached my breaking point entirely, I stumbled upon a quote by Myleik Teele. It saved me:

Sometimes your existence is triggering for some people. The fact that you are clear on who you are and who you are not can be intimidating. You didn’t “do” anything. Showing up whole and well will be off-putting for some people.

Do you show up everyday as your true self? If not, what stumbling blocks are in your way? Also, are you allowing others to be themselves without critique? I hope so.